I have been blogging for 5 years, now. Five.
Back in 2003, I started a Livejournal account so that I could keep in touch with Sol while he was at work. I updated now and then throughout 2003 and 2004. Then Solstice was born in November of 2004. That's when my fun little pastime exploded. My public posts were happy and exciting - filled with explosive diapers, sleeping baby and smiles. My private posts were less happy. They dealt with some depression and being overwhelmed with a new baby in a town where I had no support system. They were ranting and angry. Poignant and sad.
In June of 2005, I became pregnant for a second time. Solstice was just 6 months old. A big whoops. And that is when I found my online community. I joined pregnancy groups, breastfeeding groups, and more. I forged close friendships with other mothers who were in the same or similar situations. My journaling hobby had become an obsession.
After Luna was born, I was hit with a depression so horrible that it made Solstice's infancy look like a cakewalk. I couldn't get up, I didn't want to hold the baby or interact with my toddler. I didn't get dressed or even shower regularly. It was all I could do to feed my girls and keep them in dry diapers. In way too few words, I was a mess. Through those dark months, journaling online, with my community, I plowed through. I thought that I would never get out of it alive. But I did. Thank you to all of my Livejournal friends that were willing to stick with me through this dark time.
In 2007, I started worrying that my dependence upon my Livejournal community was a little bit... scary. I composed blog entries in my head, and did things to blog about them. I thought way too much about my friends and often became upset at the anonymity of it all. I wanted more. So I attempted to start writing here. But I was overly concerned with the perceived formality of it all - if I were going to be blogging publicly, I didn't know what to write about. Would all of my online friends think that I was being fake if I started being exponentially more positive? Or if I had some kind of a theme ? Or if I quite bitching about the weather all of the time? Started being thankful for the little things? Was a little more reserved about some things and more open with others? I went back to Livejournal three times out of fear and lack of motivation.
Now I feel like I have the motivation. I have been wanting to do
this for a while, but was pushed over the edge earlier this month.
Something that I feel strongly about is advertising and the predatory
nature of it. We don't have conventional television, so we aren't
usually exposed to too much. However, I waste spend a
LOT of time reading and writing on Livejournal. That is my chosen
outlet. I found out that the new owners of Livejournal are doing away
with the basic, free account - as of earlier this week, the only
accounts offered are Paid Accounts (which I have) and Sponsored
Accounts (with advertisements.) Honestly, at this point, the
advertisements don't affect me... I don't have to see them. But what if
next year, I can't afford to pay and want to switch to a basic account?
Right now they say I will be able to, but what if that changes? I just
have too much invested in a company that I have no say in.
I need to make a statement, have a say. I need more autonomy. I need to stretch my wings - throw caution to the wind and all that. You name the cliche, that's what I want.
I am keeping my Livejournal account, I always will. I need the friendships that I have made like I need water. I will always be there for the community. But I need to do this for me. This is a permanent change.
