Just Randi Sue

Clarity

Every so often, I have a moment of clarity. All of a sudden, I can see things through the haze. All of a sudden, I can see that my life isn't just this string of never-ending days to get through.

I was standing in the kitchen yesterday, eating a probably-too-old-easter-egg, and looked over at the bookshelf (our kitchen has an area that looks like it should be a dining room, but is too small for even the tiniest table - something had to go there!) I changed some of my plants around, bigger pots and such and one of them is now draped across the top shelf. On the corner of the shelf, I had hooked over my little purse and 2 big canvas bags. All of a sudden, I thought, 'how cozy.' That's it. Just, 'how cozy.'
This doesn't seem special. That is unless you are privy to the negative thoughts about our home that are constantly swimming around my head. I never think anything nice about our house. It's messy. It's really messy. I have a hard time with even the maintenance cleaning... laundry, dishes, let alone the clutter and shrapnel from a day spent with the girls. But just for a minute, I saw 'cozy.' Just for a minute, I felt peace. And I invented domesticity. I looked at that shelf and thought, 'that's it! I could just invest some time and really make our whole house cozy.' I should love to live here. I should feel so lucky to live in such a nice place in such a pretty city.

So,  I should probably look back on this entry on a daily basis. Remind myself that this is something that I want. Why not fold clothes instead of zoning out, Why not sweep a little instead of checking my e-mail for the 15th time?  And maybe, just maybe, I can teach the girls how to pick up after themselves so that they don't end up a haggard old housewife like their mom.

Changes

I have been blogging for 5 years, now. Five.

Back in 2003, I started a Livejournal account so that I could keep in touch with Sol while he was at work. I updated now and then throughout 2003 and 2004. Then Solstice was born in November of 2004. That's when my fun little pastime exploded. My public posts were happy and exciting - filled with explosive diapers, sleeping baby and smiles. My private posts were less happy. They dealt with some depression and being overwhelmed with a new baby in a town where I had no support system. They were ranting and angry. Poignant and sad.

In June of 2005, I became pregnant for a second time.  Solstice was just 6 months old. A big whoops. And that is when I found my online community. I joined pregnancy groups, breastfeeding groups, and more. I forged close friendships with other mothers who were in the same or similar situations. My journaling hobby had become an obsession.

After Luna was born, I was hit with a depression so horrible that it made Solstice's infancy look like a cakewalk.  I couldn't get up, I didn't want to hold the baby or interact with my toddler. I didn't get dressed or even shower regularly. It was all I could do to feed my girls and keep them in dry diapers. In way too few words, I was a mess. Through those dark months, journaling online, with my community, I plowed through. I thought that I would never get out of it alive. But I did. Thank you to all of my Livejournal friends that were willing to stick with me through this dark time.

In 2007, I started worrying that my dependence upon my Livejournal community was a little bit... scary. I composed blog entries in my head, and did things to blog about them. I thought way too much about my friends and often became upset at the anonymity of it all. I wanted more. So I attempted to start writing here. But I was overly concerned with the perceived formality of it all - if I were  going to be blogging publicly, I didn't know what to write about. Would all of my online friends think that I was being fake if I started being exponentially more positive? Or if I had some kind of a theme ? Or if I quite bitching about the weather all of the time? Started being thankful for the little things? Was a little more reserved about some things and more open with others? I went back to Livejournal three times out of fear and lack of motivation.

Now I feel like I have the motivation. I have been wanting to do this for a while, but was pushed over the edge earlier this month. Something that I feel strongly about is advertising and the predatory nature of it. We don't have conventional television,  so we aren't usually exposed to too much. However, I waste spend a LOT of time reading and writing on Livejournal. That is my chosen outlet. I found out that the new owners of Livejournal are doing away with the basic, free account - as of earlier this week, the only accounts offered are Paid Accounts (which I have) and Sponsored Accounts (with advertisements.) Honestly, at this point, the advertisements don't affect me... I don't have to see them. But what if next year, I can't afford to pay and want to switch to a basic account? Right now they say I will be able to, but what if that changes? I just have too much invested in a company that I have no say in.

I need to make a statement, have a say. I need more autonomy. I need to stretch my wings - throw caution to the wind and all that. You name the cliche, that's what I want.

I am keeping my Livejournal account, I always will. I need the friendships that I have made like I need water. I will always be there for the community. But I need to do this for me. This is a permanent change.